Friday, December 5, 2014

The Red Frigging Baron

Neighbors. Who would live without them?  But sometimes you just have to scratch your head in a perpetual WTF way about some of their decorating choices. No, seriously.

I've got that proverbial neighbor from hell who doesn't have a clue about property values.  Indeedy, he cut a hole out of the middle of one arborvitae and a couple funky openings in another, you know, those landscape bushes in the front of the house that are suppose to amp up your curb appeal with their round, square, or conical shape.  Nope.  Not his.  He even built a monument along the sidewalk with a name placard on it that looks like a dead body might be buried under it. Coolio.

Yuppers, this is the same neighbor I wrote about before who hung a massive wood POW sign on the side of his house, drilling a screw hole through his vinyl siding.  Thank God it's gone now but when he had it displayed, as that sign swung back and forth in the wind, it left nice, permanent, colored scrape marks and gouges all over the siding.  Real genius.

Yes, this is the same classy neighbor that built a scrap wood airplane for his front yard that I'm taking bets on when it will take flight in the next spring storm season.  Indeed, Wylie's Red Baron seems mighty proud of that handy airplane because he decorates it every holiday.  He even busted it apart at Halloween and stuffed it with dead bodies and then rebuilt it again afterwards, this time adding some nice 2x4 wood supports apparently for the sagging plywood wings.  Righto. 

That bad boy is even lit up at night.

After a year of this crap, I've finally had enough and complained to the City of Wylie.  Now we all can imagine just about how well I'll fare with that.  It shouldn't be a surprise to anyone, I mean this is me we're talking about.  Some of those people down there at that City Hall hate my frigging guts considering I've tossed them under the bus a time or fourteen. But hey, maybe I'll get lucky since my complaint really is a valid one.  If an ordinance doesn't already exist to cover massive structures being built in front yards, it might be time for them to warm up that pen.  But then what city contemplates one of their citizens building a full-sized airplane in their front lawn?  Put that shit in your back yard.

Now I know we don't have an HOA in our neighborhood, and honestly I bristle at those because I personally want as few regulations on my property rights as possible, but let's face it, wouldn't you think the ordinances would cover devaluing eyesores like this?  This is beyond yard art.  I can handle the 2 foot wood tractor down the road.  I can handle the small, rusted farm tools and broken barrels and even the cow skulls and strangely placed boulders in some of the yards.  But this?  This is a full-size freaking airplane. Seriously, I could sit in it. 

So we'll see what the City will do about it.  Mostly though, because I feel it is a safety issue to construct a tall structure on your front lawn that can go airborne and hurt persons and property while it splinters and rots in the elements.  Most important I would think the City would have ordinances that assist in keeping up property values.  I know of one that does not allow permanent fences built in the front yard, for example. After all, our City is in the business of not only providing essential services to the citizens of Wylie, but also growing our community and increasing property values.

At this point the hubs is begging me to put the house on the market, but I've been resisting because I'm not yet ready to move.  But if he wins this argument can you imagine our resident Wylie Realtor, Mayor Eric Hogue driving prospective clients down our street to show my house?  You know, the very least I can do is hire him so he can make some money off me after the grief and aggravation I've put him through and all.  So imagine him explaining the merits of the neighbor's life-sized airplane while watching the dollars slip away in earning some sort of commission off of my house. I find it hard to believe prospective home buyers will be digging that look. Oh please don't tell me the $5K in hardwoods I put in last year were a waste of money. 

I'm actually thinking about tossing a stuffed Snoopy and Woodstock on his lawn for effect.  That's it! I need to fight fire with fire.  I think I will build me some scrap wood horses, sheep, pigs, and some cattle humping and put them on my font lawn with a massive neon orange barn. Hey, it's all just lawn art, isn't it?  If the City has no ordinances for this, I'll make our street so obnoxious that they will have to deal with it.  Hey, just doing my part to keep your home values up.