Saturday, February 13, 2016

Campaigning is Like Sex


I have now entered what I coined as "contemplation weekend". It's like that moment when your terrified virginal self allows that first penetration. All your emotions take flight at once and you question everything, and then question nothing. You fall into a tantric trance and your body and mind move together in a beautiful unison.

It is a time when I not only reflect upon all the work that has been done to make it to the early voting stage, but also upon the reasons I selected my candidate in the first place. I also use it as a time to prepare and steel myself for the running of the gauntlet. Standing at polls and making that sales pitch is a bitch. You feel naked and exposed and all the things you dislike about yourself become your worst enemy if you allow them. You must overcome that and reach the conclusion that the voters only see you as an obstacle blocking their insemination of that voting machine. You must do your best to impregnate them with your message and that means using whatever pheromones and sexy images you can grab their attention with.

It is especially difficult for someone as anti-social as I am. I would rather like to hide under my fuzzy blankie at home than stand out there baring my soul. Sure, I learned sales years ago but I left that world behind because I despised it. Yet the tools I learned can be applied in so many areas of life. These tools are now to be called upon one more time.

The next two weeks mean a coordination of volunteer efforts. Thanks to our early voting location being directly across from the rec center, it also means preparing for that nasty retired Democrat with the butch cut that came to the polls every day. He insulted us, yelled at us, called us names and got in our faces trying to intimidate us. It takes every fiber of my being not to unload Detroit psycho potty-mouth on him and sucker punch him. He should be thankful I learned years ago to put that punker girl with the Mohawk, black makeup and strange piercings away. But when I get mad enough, every now and again that side comes knocking and I have to suppress it.

I make it through this grueling and exhausting time sleeping and eating only for survival, and playing that campaign theme song on auto repeat in my head, along with a few other motivational themes. Some people use porn to get going, I use songs.

Two years ago when I did this for Katrina Pierson, I never contemplated the next step. This go around, I have. I am fearful, excited, and shockingly somewhat aroused all at once about the idea that I may have to do this all over again for a runoff. Serious confession time here, there is actually something very sexy about the idea of getting my candidate in office. I suppose because every action for months has permeated my being. I cannot take the campaign out of myself, like the hormonal pump that pushes you to obsess over sex in your younger years.

The climax comes on Election Day when you feel like you are the most important person in the world. Those voters actually do want to talk to you that day. Perhaps only because they are so relieved to have made it on time to vote. Thank God for procrastinators on this day because they truly make that climax fun.

When the day after comes, unfortunately there is no afterglow. The body is exhausted and you sleep like the proverbial man who does his deed and rolls over, leaving you lying there alone and ready to go clean the house because that happy endorphin is now tumbling about.

The afterglow for me comes a couple days after when I finally recover and turn the electronic world back on again. It is then that I realize I want another go. 

It is very difficult for me to turn off the campaign mode. I even entered Kubler-Ross' 5 Steps of Death and Dying after Katrina's campaign. Strangely, I mourned the loss of the campaign and camaraderie instead of my candidate's loss. I so wanted to be with these people who aroused a fire deep in me because they felt really good; like good, slow sex that builds through the grind.

This time I truly believe I will get to do it again. I will get to achieve that multiple climax I wanted so desperately after Katrina's campaign. This time I believe Pete Sessions is going down and we'll be headed to a runoff. I just hope I can go through the recovery phase a little faster this time.