Bad Boaters

It is a slow week, and I suspect the next several will be slow as well.  In between my political blogs, I will post some of the entries from my personal blog and share a little bit of myself with you.  A little humiliation goes a long way.  Welcome to my insanity:

Since we had our home built near the lake, a boat was inevitably in our future.   The whole famdamily wanted to come out on the watercraft for that first exciting outing about 8 years ago.  This was real memory in the making kind of stuff here.  The in-laws, spouse and kids dressed in life-jackets and water shoes.  Everyone slathered on sunscreen.  We toted a picnic lunch and cooler chock full of sodas, beer and water to the boat.   Putting in at Collin Park, we set off in uncharted waters.  Well, uncharted for us, anyway.
The winds were pretty high that day and of course, all of us lily-whites had to have the Bimini top up so we wouldn’t get fried.  Need I suggest we should have checked the weather forecast?   Rule number one: Don’t boat on a windy day.
Out on the lake, we made our way toward party cove.  We had heard about the infamous cove where all the cool boaters anchor and swim.  Wouldn’t you know, along about half way we were forced to stop because the youngster with the pea –sized bladder simply could not hold it any longer?  I wondered why he couldn’t just add water to the water, if you catch my drift.  We came alongside a small dock at a park and tied on.  Half the boaters decided a pit stop was just the ticket and they abandoned us.   The wind and waves were fierce and it started to push us up on the dock.  We did not have any fenders tied on to protect us.  Well, of course we wouldn’t.  This is us we are talking about.  The in-law fished them out from under a seat.   Leave it to us to have to thread rope through the fenders right then and there.  Can you say dumbasses?  Rule number two:  Make certain your boat is properly supplied and needed items are readily available for use.
When the others returned, we couldn’t get the boat started.  Gee big surprise, like you didn’t see that one coming. The father-in-law, AKA Einstein, got the brilliant idea of dragging us out to the open water.  Before we could stop him, he untied us and jumped in the lake and pulled us by the rope.  When we got just far enough from the dock, the Bimini top took over and acted like a sail and really sent us on our way.  Unfortunately, not fast enough to leave the in-law behind, the bobo.  Rule number three:  Never jump into the lake and pull the boat.
Imagine the horror of two youngsters as they point out we were drifting toward a rocky outcropping.  And the adults were in charge because why?  Out came the anchors.  Can I just point out here that on a windy day, the little 24 lb. bell anchor is like pulling a Fred Flintstone foot brake on the freeway?  Onward we crept toward the rocks.  If we made it there, we were certain the pontoons would be severely damaged.  I’m kind of thinking bumbling idiots fits here right about now.

Out came the metal hook anchor and everyone took turns trying to catch it on something, anything but it wasn’t to be.  The he-men on the boat casually pointed out we were going to take full impact.  Really?  Is that the best they could muster?  Six people are about to crash on the rocks and hike a good 9 miles back to the car.  Good to know the beer was setting in for them.  The rocks were about 50 yards away and we were gaining on them.  I decided to have a go at it; my first shot grabbed hold and finally we were stopped.    Refer back to rule number two.
Despite my repeated warnings, the numskulls kept trying to start the motor.  Everyone smelled a lot of gas and concluded it was flooded.  Well I suppose so when they take turns at pumping gas to the motor.  This is when we realized the father-in-law is hard of hearing, because he could not hear the motor running he kept priming the motor.  Nice.  I finally took the keys away from them, the boobs.   Rule number four:  Make sure the operators have a full working knowledge of the engine.
For the kids sake, we decided we may as well make the best of it.  There’s nothing quite like a picnic lunch on a dead boat in full-on, gale-force winds.  After opening and closing the gas cap a few times to look in it, the tank was able to get enough oxygen for the motor to start. Now I don’t want to point fingers here but someone forgot to open up the gas tank cap which sucked the oxygen from the tank and stopped the motor.   With the boat finally running, it was time to unhook the anchor.  Around and around we went, stuck to this damned rope but it would not come loose.  I could imagine all the other boaters laughing at us as they waved.  We were too humiliated to wave back.  Rule number five: Don’t be inhospitable to the other boaters on the lake.
Of course, you probably know what’s next; nobody had a knife.  Well, why not let’s add to the fun?   Not only are we going around and around, tethered to this rope, but now we can’t get it untied from the railing because the torque from going round and round only served to tighten it.  Nice.  Thankfully I had the wherewithal to pack scissors.  It took us about 10 minutes to saw through the rope but finally we were free.  We left the rope floating in the water and never looked back.  We are nothing if not consistent.  Rule number six:  Clean up after yourself.
I feel compelled to point out here that we were finished with boating for the season.  Actually, we were finished with boating for quite a few seasons. Would you want to go out with us?  We didn’t.
Once home, I found a video in my husband’s stack of junk in the office.  It was called Betty and Bob Boaters.  It started with Betty and Bob and how the two idiots made every mistake we had made on that water.  I was in tears by the time the short video was over.  I had laughed so hard my stomach and cheeks hurt.  That was us!  I looked over at my husband to see if he was as amused as I was.  He wasn’t.  Rule number seven:  Watch the boater safety video first.